Thanks Rey (& Russell for hosting) - I'm still learning, and appreciate your clear & comprehensive sharing. My mum is managing my spouse's pronouns (they/them) very well at nearly 80 - if she can do it, no excuses for me or anyone else 🙂
Thank you so much, Russell, for publishing my article and for your great editing, collaboration, and insight! I'm incredibly excited to share all these great resources with everyone.
This was great, Rey. Thank you. I think this cultural transition is so tricky to navigate because we all think that our ideas are our own, but that's not true. Almost all of them actually come from the people around us and the media we consume and have been consuming our entire lives. While the old paradigm was in effect, all the media reflected it. It felt "normal." Then, BECAUSE it was presented as normal (with no alternatives, and people who weren't "normal" were a problem), it got stronger. And then the media reflected it more strongly. Which made it stronger.
In most ways, I couldn't be more mainstream (more of a perfect fit to that old "normal"), so it never felt strange to me growing up in the way it sounds like it was for you and others who didn't fit that false norm. Because it never felt strange (hell, life was great for people like me!), I never saw any need to doubt or question it. That's the battle I think we're facing now: How to convince a bunch of people who were always comfortable and never felt that anything needed to change that change IS needed. Most people aren't aware enough to see that the old paradigm was NEVER correct and NEVER represented everyone. Things aren't "changing." They're actually just edging back toward what should have made sense all along.
Thanks so much for reading and for your thoughtful comment, Johnny! I think you're absolutely right about it being difficult to convince people who are comfortable that change is needed. My hope in sharing relatable stories is to help people realize not everyone is comfortable, safe, respected, etc, in the current paradigm. Then maybe we will start to change the way the majority views us.
Feb 2Liked by Russell Nohelty, Rey Katz (they/them)
Thank you for this interview, Russell. Rey, I am really glad I came across this! For my podcast we are interviewing a mother and son and the son is transgender. I am honestly pretty nervous about screwing it up on air. It's easy to write because I can refer back to your list but talking live is another ballgame! We are talking next month so I do have time to study and educate myself before we do the interview. If you have other recommendations on how to be kind and thoughtful during the live interview process, I'd love to hear tips, although what you said is already so helpful. I sent this to my interviewees already asking for their thoughts and just letting them know I care to use the most inclusive language.
Hi Stephanie, thanks so much for reading and reaching out. It sounds like you really care and you are going to do great in your interview!
A couple ideas that might help to prep for the interview: can you find out ahead of time what kinds of words are good to use when talking about your interviewee? "He" "him" "son" or "trans" for example. Or maybe this person uses "they" and "them" or something else, would be good to confirm. Then, write down a couple of example sentences and practice saying them. "How do you support your trans son, and what was it like when he came out to you?" or whatever, I don't know if you're specifically talking about being trans or not.
I'd try to be open to being corrected in terms of language even when recording live. And, it sounds like you are recording a podcast and then can edit it later, so you can lean on that ability to take out a part. If you are willing to keep in a mistake as a teaching moment, though, that could actually be really awesome and help other people who aren't sure what to say.
Good luck and I hope you have a great conversation/interview!
Feb 2Liked by Russell Nohelty, Rey Katz (they/them)
Russell, thank you so much for highlighting Rey's amazing voice. As a het-cis author of LBTQ fiction, I've relied heavily on the honesty and courage of queer supporters and sensitivity readers to keep my work as accurate and believable as possible. One of my novels includes a central intersex character, and I was extremely fortunate to know someone who is intersex and who was immensely helpful. So far I haven't found many Substack writers who identify as queer, or authors who write in this genre, so I'm especially grateful to see Rey's work is out there.
Feb 2Liked by Russell Nohelty, Rey Katz (they/them)
I can't say enough about how important this kind of work is. I'd love to see it promoted to more publications to get the attention it deserves. Well done, Rey! I am in awe of your organization, your thoughtfulness, your mastery of the craft of writing, and the heart you bring to your words. This is the sort of stuff that heals wounds and brings folks together.
I can relate. Sometimes it feels vulnerable to be the one with a big, open heart, and it can turn you into a target. But it also demonstrates to the quiet people watching that there is love and support out there waiting for them. This is such a beautiful place to start, Russell. And friendship wins anyway.
Thanks for dealing with the nasty comments, those are always unpleasant. I'm impressed at how you have been on top of telling those people what's what today! I'm glad you got some heartwarming messages though!
Thank you so much, Robin! I truly appreciate your support and enthusiasm. I am really excited to see this work resonating with a wider audience as I think it is hugely important for building community and bringing folks together, like you said.
I think everyone should subscribe to your amazing publication, Robin. (For everyone else reading this comment, highly recommend checking out Trans Friend, so good.)
This is an amazing article and read. Incredibly insightful and educational. A lot to take in (and still the last 3rd to finish reading), but it’s good to understand that the simplest way can be to ask. I love the emphasis on recognising and accepting people for WHO they are. We need so much more of this in society.
Rey and Russell, this is so good. I’m a 59 year old het cis guy who has been on a journey from (I’m ashamed to say) bigotry, to learning to embrace diversity in life and relationships. I’m still learning TBH, and this article has helped me. I will be reading those books you recommended.
Thanks Rey (& Russell for hosting) - I'm still learning, and appreciate your clear & comprehensive sharing. My mum is managing my spouse's pronouns (they/them) very well at nearly 80 - if she can do it, no excuses for me or anyone else 🙂
Thanks so much for reading and sharing, Satya! Wow, love to hear an 80-year-old using they/them pronouns correctly. Excellent!
Thank you so much, Russell, for publishing my article and for your great editing, collaboration, and insight! I'm incredibly excited to share all these great resources with everyone.
This was great, Rey. Thank you. I think this cultural transition is so tricky to navigate because we all think that our ideas are our own, but that's not true. Almost all of them actually come from the people around us and the media we consume and have been consuming our entire lives. While the old paradigm was in effect, all the media reflected it. It felt "normal." Then, BECAUSE it was presented as normal (with no alternatives, and people who weren't "normal" were a problem), it got stronger. And then the media reflected it more strongly. Which made it stronger.
In most ways, I couldn't be more mainstream (more of a perfect fit to that old "normal"), so it never felt strange to me growing up in the way it sounds like it was for you and others who didn't fit that false norm. Because it never felt strange (hell, life was great for people like me!), I never saw any need to doubt or question it. That's the battle I think we're facing now: How to convince a bunch of people who were always comfortable and never felt that anything needed to change that change IS needed. Most people aren't aware enough to see that the old paradigm was NEVER correct and NEVER represented everyone. Things aren't "changing." They're actually just edging back toward what should have made sense all along.
Thanks so much for reading and for your thoughtful comment, Johnny! I think you're absolutely right about it being difficult to convince people who are comfortable that change is needed. My hope in sharing relatable stories is to help people realize not everyone is comfortable, safe, respected, etc, in the current paradigm. Then maybe we will start to change the way the majority views us.
Thank you for this interview, Russell. Rey, I am really glad I came across this! For my podcast we are interviewing a mother and son and the son is transgender. I am honestly pretty nervous about screwing it up on air. It's easy to write because I can refer back to your list but talking live is another ballgame! We are talking next month so I do have time to study and educate myself before we do the interview. If you have other recommendations on how to be kind and thoughtful during the live interview process, I'd love to hear tips, although what you said is already so helpful. I sent this to my interviewees already asking for their thoughts and just letting them know I care to use the most inclusive language.
Hi Stephanie, thanks so much for reading and reaching out. It sounds like you really care and you are going to do great in your interview!
A couple ideas that might help to prep for the interview: can you find out ahead of time what kinds of words are good to use when talking about your interviewee? "He" "him" "son" or "trans" for example. Or maybe this person uses "they" and "them" or something else, would be good to confirm. Then, write down a couple of example sentences and practice saying them. "How do you support your trans son, and what was it like when he came out to you?" or whatever, I don't know if you're specifically talking about being trans or not.
I'd try to be open to being corrected in terms of language even when recording live. And, it sounds like you are recording a podcast and then can edit it later, so you can lean on that ability to take out a part. If you are willing to keep in a mistake as a teaching moment, though, that could actually be really awesome and help other people who aren't sure what to say.
Good luck and I hope you have a great conversation/interview!
These are all very good recommendations and I appreciate you sharing them. I’m doing every single one of them!
Aww, I'm so glad this was helpful! Good luck with your interview!
Russell, thank you so much for highlighting Rey's amazing voice. As a het-cis author of LBTQ fiction, I've relied heavily on the honesty and courage of queer supporters and sensitivity readers to keep my work as accurate and believable as possible. One of my novels includes a central intersex character, and I was extremely fortunate to know someone who is intersex and who was immensely helpful. So far I haven't found many Substack writers who identify as queer, or authors who write in this genre, so I'm especially grateful to see Rey's work is out there.
Thank you so much, Robin! I really appreciate your kind words and support.
I can't say enough about how important this kind of work is. I'd love to see it promoted to more publications to get the attention it deserves. Well done, Rey! I am in awe of your organization, your thoughtfulness, your mastery of the craft of writing, and the heart you bring to your words. This is the sort of stuff that heals wounds and brings folks together.
While I have gotten several nasty comments, I've also gotten way more heartwarming emails and PMs today than I ever do, which is nice.
I can relate. Sometimes it feels vulnerable to be the one with a big, open heart, and it can turn you into a target. But it also demonstrates to the quiet people watching that there is love and support out there waiting for them. This is such a beautiful place to start, Russell. And friendship wins anyway.
Thanks for dealing with the nasty comments, those are always unpleasant. I'm impressed at how you have been on top of telling those people what's what today! I'm glad you got some heartwarming messages though!
Thank you so much, Robin! I truly appreciate your support and enthusiasm. I am really excited to see this work resonating with a wider audience as I think it is hugely important for building community and bringing folks together, like you said.
I think everyone should subscribe to your amazing publication, Robin. (For everyone else reading this comment, highly recommend checking out Trans Friend, so good.)
This is an amazing article and read. Incredibly insightful and educational. A lot to take in (and still the last 3rd to finish reading), but it’s good to understand that the simplest way can be to ask. I love the emphasis on recognising and accepting people for WHO they are. We need so much more of this in society.
Thank you so much, Amber! Well said: recognising and accepting people for who they are is a great way to support people.
Rey and Russell, this is so good. I’m a 59 year old het cis guy who has been on a journey from (I’m ashamed to say) bigotry, to learning to embrace diversity in life and relationships. I’m still learning TBH, and this article has helped me. I will be reading those books you recommended.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Ken! I'm so glad you are learning to embrace diversity.
Yay! He/She/They is available at the library and as a library audiobook. I’m telling everyone I know!
Excellent! Thank you, Camille!
Thank you for that interesting and informative article. A hell of a lot to learn.
Thanks so much for reading, Colin!
Excellent, Rey! Thank you for educating us in such clear, easy to understand language. And big thanks to Russell for his allyship.
Thank you so much, Amy!
Russell and Rey, thank you for such a thoughtful article. I’m sharing right now.
Thanks so much, Reda!